Pondering doesn't get things done. Neither does writing.

What have I done this week to get closer to the goal?

To be quite honest, nothing at all really. At the beginning of the week, I read an article on how you stop going after what you want, once you made the thought public. It gives you a false feeling of accomplishment, it seems. I thought about that a lot, really (it is strange, that all these things seem to get to me so much at the moment), and I know this only too well. It's some sort of, well it's out there, the universe will take care of it now. Only that I don't believe in it and I can't put my finger on the reason, why I act that way exactly.
On the other hand I really feel like I have to have a place to write things down, to make progress  - or the lack thereof - visible to myself.

Is there a way to combine the two? I don't know yet. But I observed, that after I made great plans on how to construct an animation corner for myself and discussed it with a friend, I just dropped the idea and thought about making clothes and painting. Like: job done, let's go on to the next thing. But it isn't done, I just planed it out and haven't done anything physical about it. Take today for example: Right now, I would love to have a canvas of about 1,8m x 2m and just paint. All day long. With breaks for tea and getting a different perspective, but today this is where all my yearning lies.

There are certain things one has to get out of the system in order to go on. For example, if you think about having a cup of tea all day long, actually having one takes your mind of that thought and you can move on to do other things. But at the scale now, it's hard to tell, whether thoughts like for example needing to paint are just to obstruct me or if it is part of the process of getting where I need to be. Even my back pain seems like an excuse, eventhough I really have to make time to work on that, otherwise I won't be able to do anything properly in the future, I have seen it with others. But I can't help but think, what will be the next thing that comes up? Am I afraid to get things done, because there is the possibility of plans not working out in the end?

Okay, getting back to the week at hand: Instead of working on my animationspace (I used my desk before, but I need it for work sometimes, so I thought it would be best to have a place, where it's okay to leave stuff), I started knitting, because I had feelings and visible signs of anxiety and it helps to calm me down. Alright, and because I want a fuzzy, loose-knit cloak. On the arts and animation front I only watched more documentaries about different artists ("What do artists do all day" is really great, thanks youtube).

Will have to see, what the new week brings. I have to try to get back to working normal hours, so that there is less stress to hide behind.